Just A Few Goodbyes

Hey Guys,
So today I was meant to be talking to some woman from some clinic or something but I never went I really didn't wasn't to so I hid in textiles for the whole of lunch, so I told one of my friends what was going on ages ago, and if I'm honest that person really couldn't give a shit, they made it blatantly obvious, so I was talking to this person recently an I just said that something bad was going to happen today so if i didn't look happy then just carry on as normal, they were trying to find out what it was and I really didn't want to tell them, so today I never went to talk to that woman and on the way home they completely blanked me. But i am so fed up of being completely ignored by everyone, every time I try to talk to someone they ignore me or just pretend they didn't hear me so tomorrow I am literally going to sit in the library alone or ask if I can sit in my form room. I'm fed up of being treated like shit by everyone. I mean I was sat with my 'best friends' today and I love the two of them so much, but I just felt awkward sat with them they just didn't seem to want me there and when I walked in I just felt like I was interrupting something so I'm going to stop that from happening by just being alone, if nobody wants me around them I'm going to have to face this all alone and I don't mind that but it slightly scares me but I need to be strong. If that person is reading this right now then BYEEEEE! If you are reading this then I just want to say I have been friends with you since primary school and I have been close to you the last year, I  have gave up my time going on a walk with you because you were bored and you needed something to do. You have never gave a shit about me and it's blatantly obvious, you stop talking to me randomly and then talk to me again after something goes wrong with the person you like, I swear you talk to me purely to to feel good about yourself and I'm not having it anymore. Don't try and talk to me if you do I will just give you one word answers until you start giving one, I refuse to waste my time anymore, I'm going to spend it with the people who treat me like they care about me or people who care whether I'm okay or not. I fed up of it.
 Sorry guys about this little rant I'm just really annoyed,
Stay Strong Guys,
Love You All<3
Enna xxx

Bad Day :'(

Hey Guys,
I have found out some pretty bad news, so school have been in contact with my parents about what is going on, so my mum me in the car that there is a woman coming into school to talk to me on Thursday lunchtime, and if i don't go then I have to go to a clinic which is near my house, I am so scared and people don't seem to get that I have tried to tell my best friend but she never even gave me a chance to talk to her, so she doesn't know what is going on right now. I am really dreading going to school on Thursday and I am scared they will come and get me from my lessons cos then I can't escape it and I will have to go, I don't know what I'm going to say but I think I'm just going to stay really quiet. I'm really sad today cos every time I say something either everyone ignores me or nobody even gives a shit, people just make me feel worthless without even trying. Anyway on a brighter note... well there isn't one really. Ohhhh yeahh I have a geography field trip next Monday and I'm pretty excited people were asking what I was wearing and if you still want to know then a hoodie leather jacket, black skinny jeans, not sure what top and my dc martens. I don't care if people think I'm weird, I'm sorry that I want to wear what I want and am proud of that. I don't think anyone should be ashamed of who they are. So I will talk to you guys tomorrow.
Stay Strong Guys,
Love You <3
Enna xxx

This Video almost made me cry today :'

Problems

Hey Guys,
It's been such a bad day and I'm not even joking, I had C+ which is like PSHE, we were doing about body image, We were given a piece of paper and we had to write the things you liked about yourself and things you didn't. So for the positive section I put nothing, because there is nothing nice about me at all. So we had to do the negative section I wrote: Too fat, ugly, dumb, freckles, worthless, scars, weird... You get the picture but there was a lot more things, my teacher has collected those the lists in I'm so scared she will read them :( but then we were shown a video about body image and eating disorders but my friend started talking about making yourself sick I almost cried I had to turn away, it was so horrible. I am also a bit ill at the moment and have had no sleep so I am completely drained of energy I just want to sleep and never wake up. I just feel like every time I talk to someone they don't actually care what I'm on about or how I feel they just listen because they feel sorry for me is that stupid?? I just feel like it wasn't meant to me nobody even gives a shit about me anyway, I mean come on if school really cared they would've noticed that something was wrong but they haven't, which just proves my point. I'm fed up of people pretending to care about me it really annoys me. Like people who have never cared about me before now talk to me and the people who once cared don't anymore and I guess it will go back to just me again so we will see how that goes. I just want to give up now. But I'm not going to cut, I will stay strong :) At least I have music to get me through this, I don't think people realize the power of music though cos if anything music could've actually saved my life and these 'screamo'/ 'emo' band that I listen are like angels to me they are so inspirational.  Anyway that is enough from me tonight I hope youre all okay, I love you all so much and you guys mean so much to me, so thank you for giving me a chance and thanks for reading my blog even if it really doesn't interest you.
Stay Strong Guys,
Love you <3
Enna xxx

This is a song that I have been listening to recently it's soo good!!

Things

Hey Guys,
So things have been really tough recently so that's why I haven't been posting and I am sorry about that. So I have been bullied recently and it's been really horrible but I plucked up the courage to tell my rowing coach about it, however my rowing coach has done nothing about it and it can just carry on, meanwhile school have been in contact with my parents for some reason but nobody has told me why yet I'm really confused, I was talking to a girl i used to be best friends with today and we started talking and I told her what was going on, she was so nice about it and didn't think I was attention seeking at all so I'm really happy about that, but right now I am just trying to find ways to distract myself and I'm one week clean!! :D I'm really proud of myself, I know it's nothing really but it's a baby step and it's the first step to a better life right? I really hope my instagram account is helping it probably isn't but I know it's definitely helping me :) So I am currently in a production at school it's going really well, I have quite a good part so far and we will be performing at the theater! :O  I'm pretty nervous and it will be pretty good because it's a few days away from my birthday, so we will be performing it in November, so I'm pretty excited for that :)

I'm sorry this post is short but I don't have anything to say really, Recently I have started listening to two of my favorite songs from when I was about ten, and I guess I still like them so take a listen :)
Stay Strong Guys
Love You All <3
Enna xxx

YouTube

Hey Guys,
So i have always had a youtube channel but it was purely for watching videos but by accident i uploaded a video and obviously not many people watched it but I was wondering if you think i should make videos for you guys, it would take a lot of time and i would need a lot of ideas for videos and stuff if you wanted to help?? But anyway things have actually been pretty good recently but a few nights ago I was trying to find a way with coping with things so I had the idea to write what the voices were saying in my diary and I did, so yesterday I walked in my room and my diary was open on those pages and all my stuff is messed up, I don't know which member of my family has seen it but I am pretty worried, plus my dog is really ill so I'm worried about her. So that's not good. I have started looking at colleges recently and I never realized how stressful it is  I am looking at 8 collages and then I still need to decide what subjects to take, I really want to be in the police and either do forensics or the dog handling for police dogs which would actually suit me quite a lot, so if anyone can help me please do!! <3

Just saying that if you want me to do anything special like a whats in my makeup bag or some photo challenge, any artwork, music or something just let me know and i shall do my best. Or if you just need advice just email me
sazza985@gmail.com
Stay Strong <3

Enna xxx

Shit Happens

Hey Guys,
So it's the summer holidays and obviously time away from school is the best time ever but I have decided because I'm in year 11 this  next year which is obviously a big year I'm just going to concentrate on what I need to do screw friends I mean most of them bring you down anyway so what is the point, another thing is that I am fed up of being the person that people want me to be, I'm not that person I am my own person yeahh okay maybe I'm a bit of a goth but I don't care what other people think about me if I'm happy with the way I am why should anybody else stop me, if i want a black skull rucksack that's my choice but at least I am not afraid to be who I am because a few people who think it's weird, I hate how people can judge so much even though they aren't perfect either nobody is, everyone is unique and why should they be held back by other people, I have all the people I need I have Leo who I love more than anyone, I have Becky (my best friend) and I have you guys. What more could i want!? Guys a piece of advice never rely on somebody else to make you happy find ways to make yourself happy like for me its to sit on the sofa and watch a good film with ice cream, it's the small things that matter. I will post again today hopefully,
Love you all <3
Stay Strong
Enna xxx

Sorry...

Hey Guys!!
Sorry I havent posed for ages. Been so busy so how things I hope you are all okay and well. So a lot has happened... I twas my last day today before the summer i really can't wait! :) So I have lost quite a bit of weight recently like i have lost 2kg which is good :) I just wanted to talk about friends like i have lost a lot of friends over the past week/s but friends can come from sometimes the hardest and strangest things. A few weeks ago a friend sent me a link just out of the blue it was to a blog which i just started reading and I instantly fell in love with it. The girl who wrote it goes my school and is/was in year 11 I saw her around school but never really thought twice about it. But I messaged her today quite nervously and she replied and was so lovely to me and didn't even care that she hardly knew me she was so inviting and i thank her so much for that :) She told me to listen to a song and it really hit home for me, plus it's a good song ;) So I just wanted you guys to know that no matter what happens there will be someone who will always be there, and there is me who you can talk to whenever you want I'm always here for you guys, you can email or dm me on instagram anytime

Stay Strong

Enna xxx

Catch up...

Hey Guys,
So I did another 2k run today so I am quite proud of myself I have also raised £40 for charity this afternoon by doing a cake and lemonade stall. I also performed a section of A Midsummer Nights Dream so it's been a interesting day. So a girl on instagram recommended a song called Dark Enough to me. I instantly fell in love with the song and I really was to use it for my dance for GCSE PE. It's about self harm and yes I know people will make comments about it but I really don't care because it is my choice. I really want people to see the seriousness of it and show that so don't have to be an "emo" or a "goth" to have depression because it can affect anyone really. So yeahh that is what I am working on. I don't really have a lot to say apart from your all beautiful and I love you all.
Stay Strong
Enna xxx

Things...

Hey Guys,
So I was thinking a bout self confidence today and as I walked around the town center I kept think oh look at her, her legs are nice, I wish I was that thin. It just made me realise if that is what I want then I will have to work for it so I am not eating meat in the week but I can have it at weekends and I am going on a run whenever I have time because I always complain about being big or not being as thin as someone else. It could just be my build but it's worth a try and I'm actually going to do something about my body because I just want to feel happy in my own skin which I'm really not at the moment I am now 56kg and I want to get down to 45/50 kg. I also want a thigh gap and I was to be able to see my ribs because they are covered by fat at the moment :P I don't know if anyone else gets it but I can't actually look in a mirror or window and be proud of my body because I just hate the look of my body but with my ana buddy @you_killed_me6 on instagram we are going to get through this and not give up because I am not very good at achieving goals but I'm going to stop giving up like I did a 2k run today and my goal was to make it so far up the river and I did it and I was really proud of myself. So I am going to make myself mentally stronger and I'm going to start saying no to food, if anyone says anything I'm just going to keep going because it is my choice and it is my life so bring it on!






I also love my music and I always have a few tracks that just help me when I want to give up so I was to share them with you so take a listen:

But that is enough about me I want YOU to talk about me about your stories. I want you to send me artwork, music or just anything that you want me to post on my blog. Even if there are topics you want me to talk about or even for advice.

Email: sazza985@gmail.com
Instagram:enna_depression_and_cuts

Stay Strong <3

Enna xxx

A second choice

Hey Guys,
So despite how I was happy about being a week clean it didn't stay, last night I had a conversation with my sister just about stuff but then it turned bad and she said I don't work hard enough and I need to work hard if I want things because she is like and A/A* student and is really clever and then their is me who is getting B's and C's and I'm only decent at the "crappy" subjects like dram, photography and dance. So yeahh it made me feel so worthless and crappy it just made me relapse but I used the blade from my pencil sharpener and it just wouldn't stop bleeding so I just curled in a ball and just wished  for it to be over. I woke up in the morning with blood on my hands (not the nicest thing to wake up to. But yeahh it just made me realize how fragile I am and how my mood can just change so  quickly, people just need to realize that and just be careful around me or just leave me alone because I can't hurt anyone if I'm alone apart from myself. But yeahh I have felt like this before and I hate feeling that way. Feeling empty and worthless. I just wish I was someones first choice for once in my life... just once To not be annoyed at myself. It's always about my sister though she is perfect, she is polite, clever, caring and stunning. My parents got their perfect daughter and then there is me which I don't even want to talk about. I want to be wanted. For who I am and not who they wish I could be. For the way I look. Why am I always the one on the sideline?? I'm nothing.

Anyway I just wanted to say to a very special person stay strong and I love you lots. I know it's hard right now but we will get through it together :*


But that is enough about me I want YOU to talk about me about your stories. I want you to send me artwork, music or just anything that you want me to post on my blog. Even if there are topics you want me to talk about or even for advice.

Email: sazza985@gmail.com
Instagram:enna_depression_and_cuts

Stay Strong <3

Enna xxx

Any requests??

Hey Guys,
Just saying that if you want me to do anything special like a whats in my makeup bag or some photo challenge, any artwork, music or something just let me know and i shall do my best. Or if you just need advice just email me
sazza985@gmail.com
Stay Strong <3
Enna xxx

Just from that one person (from my last post)

Just a message to say...

Hey Guys,
I was meant to be doing my drama course work but I just can't concentrate so hey :)So things are going alright right now but I just need to put a small message out to one of my bestest friends. I got sent a message a few days ago. But first let me tell you that she used to suffer from anxiety and depression a bit like me but she got over it and is now helping me through it. So I got a message off her saying that she might be going back into it. I'm not saying her name because she knows who she is but I just need to tell her that I am ALWAYS here for her and I'm not going to leave her in a situation like this, we will get through it together. And this goes for everyone when I say this if anyone needs any help just email me or dm me on instagram because I will always try to help you.

So things are alright :) almost a week clean!! :O I'm quite proud of myself really. I just need a break from things really, like I just need to get away from everything like everything I just need a break, I also just need people to give me a bit of space but life goes on hey :) .

Anyway Stay Strong Guys <3
Enna xxx

My Story

Hey Guys,
So i thought today i would just tell you more about me :) So i am a British girl who enjoys rowing, dance, swimming and writing stories. I have a 11 month old Cocker spaniel called Pippa who is very hyper but is gorgeous and very loving. You may know my best friend who does the blog Belle talks we have only been friends for a while but we are inseparable.  So anyway I plan to become a police officer, primary school teacher or be in the army but its going to be hard as I am not the academic type and I hate school. But hopefully I will get there. I also plan to move down to Devon when i get enough money together so wish me luck. Now my proper story... So I started with depression about two years ago but at the time I didn't understand what it was and just thought that it was normal or just a bad phase I was going through. But due to a rough start in high school things got worse but I never did anything about it. When I was in year eight I had my first "proper" relationship which ended badly on my half because they left without a reason and out of the blue really for me. So I thought that I did something wrong and i needed punishing for it  so that's where cutting came in. After a while I just stopped for no reason and I was clean for just under a year, up until my next relationship it wasn't very long and it was a clean break up but after a few months I met somebody new who made me very happy but my ex started verbally abusing me sending messages everyday saying that I'm a slut,slag,bitch that he hopes my family dies and finally that I should kill myself so things got really rough and I went back to my "old habits" but again I managed to stop myself and ignored the messages. I started going out with this guy March last year and things where great and I though everything was in the past, but again my ex started sending me horrible messages and I found that he virtually stalked me and watched me fall at rowing and watched me leave to go to hospital. He actually watched me at rowing, it was terrifying and I was so scared by what I had missed. I then found out that he had a video of me getting changed in his room when I went over once, It was the most disgusting thing to listen to, it was in my mind for months but people kept rushing me to get over it but it was so hard to deal with they just didn't understand. But again I just went back into depression and since then things have got really really bad nothing makes me as happy as I used to be and I have attempted suicide once and now the confidence I had has completely gone. I am an extremely insecure person now and quite troubled you could say but just this morning I was taking blades out of my pencil sharpeners just so I could use them on myself.

But that is enough about me I want YOU to talk about me about your stories. I want you to send me artwork, music or just anything that you want me to post on my blog. Even if there are topics you want me to talk about or even for advice.

Stay Strong <3
Enna xxx

Email: sazza985@gmail.com
Instagram:enna_depression_and_cuts

New Blog

Hey Guys,
So this is a new blog I will try to post daily along with my instagram @enna_depression_and_cuts so I just want people to email me with: music, art , topics to talk about, recommendations (bands, songs, films basically anything) or just email me for advice please email me because I want o help you guys. So hi I'm Sarah aka Enna I'm 15 I have depression I self harm and I starve myself but i want to create a community where we can get though this together.
Stay Strong  <3
Enna xxx