Decisions :/

Hello guys,

Sorry my post did not upload yesterday, I tried to upload it from the laptop, my phone and my tablet but the internet obviously wasn't on my side,

So a big worry of mine recently is that there might actually be something wrong with me, I have been getting frequent headaches and dizzy spells, as well as occasional pains in the lower left side of my ribs (I will come to that in a minute) But my parents really don't seem to care and it is really bugging me, like I was meant to go to the GP weeks ago because things have got bad mentally and I am not sleeping because I have nightmares and if I do sleep I sleep so deeply I find it hard to wake up even if I am scared. So I was meant to go and get something to help me sleep however my mum simply has not taken me and does not care. I would go by myself but it is hard to go to the doctors without your parents finding out. But anyway my ribs... Well a few years ago I was at my Uncle and Aunties 25th wedding anniversary with the family, they had a bouncy castle and there was about 10 kids there including me it was great, but my sister decided she would run and jump on me, however she landed on my chest, and a whole persons body weight on your chest/ribs is not good, so for the next few days I had pains in my chest which could've been a broken rib I don't know because my mums logic was if you went to hospital they wouldn't be able to do anything anyway. So I can't really lie on my front because my ribs clunk and after long periods of time I get really bad pins in my chest.

But a few months ago I was off school for the day because I wasn't feeling to great, it was about 4 in the afternoon and I had like a twenty minute nap, so when I woke up i went to go down stairs and virtually collapsed, I had a very sharp pain in my ribs, and I couldn't move, meanwhile my parents were downstairs completely oblivious, so hunched over at literally ninety degrees I managed to get down the stairs and like fall into the living room, I was crying at this point because the pain was unbelievable, and I couldn't move, I was struggling to breathe and I felt sick, At the time the best thing we could think of was hospital however something happened and I ended up in an emergency appointment at the doctors, They told me it could be one of three things, a virus, something wrong with my ribs or muscular. So really not a lot of help. Since then I have periods which last about half an hour where my chest tightens and I have chest pains and I find it hard to breathe. But whenever I tell my parents quite frankly they don't give a damn. So I have three options... 1-Force my parents to take me to the doctors 2- Go myself 3- tell my sister. but most likely she won't are either. Basically I am quite stuck.

Anyway my sister has just arrived home from uni with dominos ;)

Love all of you angels <3

Stay Strong,

Enna xxx


Music!!!

Love this song <3

My post from yesterday which did not upload,

Hey guys,

So I don't really have anything to talk about today, apart from that I have had quite a good day, this morning I was coaching the younger squad at rowing (j13s) which I must say do make me very happy and brighten my day, It was also the village fair today which I have gone to since I started primary and it's sad to see that less people are going, when I was in primary it was almost one of the biggest events in the school calender a long with summer and Christmas, but I guess times have changed.

I am not joking that my hamstrings are killing me from dance on Thursday, To be honest I don't even know if i enjoy dance anymore because I just feel and look like an idiot, and i feel like I am the worst in the class, I think people tell me that I am good at dance purely to make me feel better about myself but hey oh well I guess I am getting used to it by now, people lie to me all of the time. But today at the village fair there was this guy that I used to be good friends with and nothing more, I mean he was nice and everything and a great friend for me but he was a flirt if I am honest he led people on and then dropped them, it happened to one of my friends, anyway we argued and now we do not speak. Today he looked at me first like a was a pile of crap and then as if I had four heads or something, I was livid! I could say a lot of things if I am honest but I will keep that for my diary so there is no way of him reading it. :')

But anyway I am go because I do not have much else to say and I do not want to bore you guys like I probably do :P

Anyway goodnight,

Love all of you angels <3

Stay Strong

Enna xxx


Music!!!!

My favourites from a few years ago when I was extremely naive, but hey it's every girls dream right </3

Whoops...

Sorry Guys,

Well I did write a post for tonight however it did not post and wouldn't work, so yeahh I am very very sorry, but there is an adorable video which has made me cry :')

Anyway I shall post tomorrow I promise I really am sorry,

I love all of you angels <3

Stay Strong

Enna xxx

this made me cry :')



Music!!!

Things that have been on my mind...

Hello Guys,

So things have been on my mind recently that I just need to get off my chest... God I hate people sometimes people annoy me and confuse me and just mess me up basically, every time someone hurts or makes me happy i just change completely, my life has changed so much in three/four years,

So yeahh things i have to get off my chest... To a person who might know who they are, i am talking to you as I am writing this but i hardly ever speak to you, I think we both know you don't want to talk to me or see me so who are we kidding, three/four years ago things ended, well a friendship ended very suddenly, I didn't understand why and if I am honest I was angry about it but it just made me the person I am today, a person who is too scared to throw herself into a relationship due to the fear of someone just leaving without a reason and just not looking back, it wasn't just your fault it was also due to someone else who did virtually the same thing, But hey I might not like the person who I am today but I can't change it. Even though you came back (after three years) it's still in my head and with me and I wish it wasn't, I know I am/have been a bitch to you and then sometimes nice it's because I don't know what to do, I know you lie to me virtually all the time and you know that I know, hence why we argue about it a lot but I want to sort it out... I try to but either you ignore my messages or if I am honest I just don't think you care, but enough about that because I know you will read this.

ANYWAY... I am feeling so emotionally and physically tired, I am not even joking :') But I was reading my (short) diary from 2013! it was interesting to be honest it just showed how emotionally unstable I am :D the first day I say "I am the happiest I have ever been" then it gets to the second day and the opening line is "well that was a pisstake" :')  and to be honest it just gets worse and worse from there on I just get more and more unhappy, but there are good part they just get very rare. But I have decided that I am going to start writing my diary again I am going to buy a new notebook tomorrow and I just want to start writing things down cos it help so does talking to people about things but that never happens so a diary it is :) I have been getting really dizzy though recently I am pretty worried about it but when I tell my parents they just ignore me worried much :/

Anyway end of the rant... for today :P

Love all of you guys <3

Sorry for like ranting all of the time I promise things will be more positive tomorrow :*

Enna xxx

Songs!!!!!!

It's an amazing song but I can hardly listen to it sometimes and that person know why...
because we both knew that it was all lies... :/

Personal favorite right now and relates ^


And finally...

<3

Hello again!

Hey guys,

So things have been getting better but worse as well so lets start with the good things, so I am getting better at hiding things and I am starting making the decisions that are better for me, so rowing was a really bad spot for me it was draining my energy as well as making me feel like shit to be honest,  so I have been trying to distance myself from the bad thins, I have been getting more involved with coaching the youngest squad at my rowing club and I am loving every second of it, they make me happy and they don't understand how good they are for me, so a good thank you to them but I hope that they are not reading this...My parents aren't very happy with these changes but it's my life not theirs.

So the bad things... I have not been looking after myself at all like I am getting ill a lot of the time even if it is something small it will last for a few days at least, I have lost a lot of muscle from not doing much exercise, I don't really get much sleep but self harming has gone down a lot well it is not as frequent, but my friend Sophie has been there for me recently and it has helped a lot. I have also been enjoying watching streamers and watching them play games like Minecraft and H1z1 i would love to stream someday <3 I wish ;)

So I left high school today it was officially my last day (Yayyy) I am so glad to get away from that place and i hope i don't go back for sixth form, I just need the grades to go to my dream college!! Everyone is at prom tonight but I am not going cos I get panic attacks and I get self conscious so I know i wouldn't enjoy it but I am distracting myself from social media by talking to you guys!! <3 if anyone is actually reading this that is... probably not

Anyway love all of you guys <3

Stay Strong

Enna <3 xxx

Just A Few Goodbyes

Hey Guys,
So today I was meant to be talking to some woman from some clinic or something but I never went I really didn't wasn't to so I hid in textiles for the whole of lunch, so I told one of my friends what was going on ages ago, and if I'm honest that person really couldn't give a shit, they made it blatantly obvious, so I was talking to this person recently an I just said that something bad was going to happen today so if i didn't look happy then just carry on as normal, they were trying to find out what it was and I really didn't want to tell them, so today I never went to talk to that woman and on the way home they completely blanked me. But i am so fed up of being completely ignored by everyone, every time I try to talk to someone they ignore me or just pretend they didn't hear me so tomorrow I am literally going to sit in the library alone or ask if I can sit in my form room. I'm fed up of being treated like shit by everyone. I mean I was sat with my 'best friends' today and I love the two of them so much, but I just felt awkward sat with them they just didn't seem to want me there and when I walked in I just felt like I was interrupting something so I'm going to stop that from happening by just being alone, if nobody wants me around them I'm going to have to face this all alone and I don't mind that but it slightly scares me but I need to be strong. If that person is reading this right now then BYEEEEE! If you are reading this then I just want to say I have been friends with you since primary school and I have been close to you the last year, I  have gave up my time going on a walk with you because you were bored and you needed something to do. You have never gave a shit about me and it's blatantly obvious, you stop talking to me randomly and then talk to me again after something goes wrong with the person you like, I swear you talk to me purely to to feel good about yourself and I'm not having it anymore. Don't try and talk to me if you do I will just give you one word answers until you start giving one, I refuse to waste my time anymore, I'm going to spend it with the people who treat me like they care about me or people who care whether I'm okay or not. I fed up of it.
 Sorry guys about this little rant I'm just really annoyed,
Stay Strong Guys,
Love You All<3
Enna xxx

Bad Day :'(

Hey Guys,
I have found out some pretty bad news, so school have been in contact with my parents about what is going on, so my mum me in the car that there is a woman coming into school to talk to me on Thursday lunchtime, and if i don't go then I have to go to a clinic which is near my house, I am so scared and people don't seem to get that I have tried to tell my best friend but she never even gave me a chance to talk to her, so she doesn't know what is going on right now. I am really dreading going to school on Thursday and I am scared they will come and get me from my lessons cos then I can't escape it and I will have to go, I don't know what I'm going to say but I think I'm just going to stay really quiet. I'm really sad today cos every time I say something either everyone ignores me or nobody even gives a shit, people just make me feel worthless without even trying. Anyway on a brighter note... well there isn't one really. Ohhhh yeahh I have a geography field trip next Monday and I'm pretty excited people were asking what I was wearing and if you still want to know then a hoodie leather jacket, black skinny jeans, not sure what top and my dc martens. I don't care if people think I'm weird, I'm sorry that I want to wear what I want and am proud of that. I don't think anyone should be ashamed of who they are. So I will talk to you guys tomorrow.
Stay Strong Guys,
Love You <3
Enna xxx

This Video almost made me cry today :'